Friday, May 25, 2012

Contest Post

Okay, so thanks to our most honorable blogfather, Mr. Alex J. Cavanaugh, I discovered this contest going on at Sharon Bayliss' blog. She's got a book coming out (with a beautiful cover) and hosting a query/first 500 bloghop with opportunity to win a critique from her editor.

Still time to enter if you have a finished YA or NA (New Adult) and leave up for the weekend! So check it out!

(If you're a friend popping by, thanks! Don't feel like you have to read my entry, I totally understand .... so have a great weekend!!)

 My query and first 500 below:

Seventeen year old Madeline Martin gets strange looks for her blue hair and punk fashion, which isn’t such a big deal, but if she gets caught shoplifting or skipping school again, she’ll be really sorry. To keep her in line, Madeline's mom sends her to stay with her uncle in upstate New York for the summer, to work in a public library. Being away from her Manhattan friends and lifestyle sucks, but it’s way better than juvy hall. Alone in the library one night, Madeline stumbles onto an envelope tucked inside the pages of an eighteenth century atlas and unwittingly uncovers a political secret hidden away for centuries. Confiding only in the roguish neighbor guy, who's dealing with issues of his own, Madeline sets out to uncover the truth of what the found documents mean, as well as whoever may be willing to pay big bucks for them. After discovering she’s being followed by a stranger, and the police can’t help her, she has no choice but to unravel the mystery on her own.

Expelled from the IRIA, eighteen year old Armand Dantuine is after the truth as well, but not for the same reasons. He’s been hired by an international organization to retrieve the same secret documents, offering him a chance to regain the respect he never had in Iran. One person will stand in his way, however, and if necessary, the Martin girl will be a casualty of little importance.

Told from dueling points of view of both Madeline Martin and Armand Dantuine, my YA thriller, The 49th Parallel, takes on a series of twists and turns as both race to achieve their goal. In the vein of National Treasure meets The Da Vinci Code for teens, it’s packed with action, suspense, and a hint of romance, complete at 66K words. 

First 500:

Mom says I’m my father’s daughter.

She doesn’t mean it in a good way. It’s why I’m stuck in the most boring town in upstate New York for the summer, working in the public library. It was this or change bedpans for old people in a retirement home, and I’m not about to work around human defecation all day.

One more book to return and I’m done for the night. I roll the book cart onward, just as my MP3 dies, right in the middle of a filthy jazz riff too. Hate it when that happens. I flick the buds out of my ears and reel toward the American History section. The faded parquet floor creaks like it’s in pain. Except for that, it’s totally quiet—too quiet on my first night closing alone. At least the head librarian doesn’t hover over my shoulder. She lets me handle the lockdown on my own, and sad to say, right now she may be the only one who trusts me.

This big old building has three levels, with the third floor skirting a transparent railing around the center staircase. From up here, you can see all the way down to the atrium floor, where moonlight from the glass ceiling spills in like silvery rain. Distorted shadows dance across the floor there, provoked by a breeze through the tree limbs that hug the outside windows.

This job is supposed to keep me out of trouble, and I have to admit, even though it’s torture being away from my friends in Manhattan, it’s way better than forever being labeled a youth offender for something I didn’t do. Mom doesn’t get it—why I put myself on the line for my friends. That’s what she means when she says I’m my father’s daughter. Dad was a firefighter and made a career of getting people out of trouble. There’s even a memorial for him, along with the other firefighters who lost their lives on September 11. They dubbed him a hero, like the name was somehow supposed to make up for his death.

At the far end of the American History section I follow the decimal numbers to return the last book, a navy blue hardback that looks like it hasn’t been read in years. It’s heavy and smells like my uncle’s basement. The American Revolution is embossed across the front in pale gold. I scan the numbers on the binding again. Great. It belongs on the top shelf where I can’t reach without the ladder. Stepping back down the aisle, I snag the nearest shelf ladder and roll it over.

Glass rattles at the far atrium windows. My head jerks up in their direction where a couple of pigeons flutter from the stone ledge outside.

“Get a grip, girl,” I say to myself.

I’ve seen people mugged at knife-point outside my own friggin’ apartment building. Don’t know why I’m so jumpy. Must be that horror flick I watched last night. Mom’s always saying they’ll rot my brain.  


Thanks to all who read and comment! Best of luck to my fellow contestants! :)


Jade Hart said...

Hey, Hrezo :)

Looks like I'm first to comment :)
Okay, overall I loved your concept and I think the idea of a Da Vinci and National's Treasure for YA's is a perfect idea :) I thought your query was well thought out, it did read a little long, but that might just be me. And your first 500 words were engaging. I could hear the voice of the character and I wanted to keep reading, so good job :) There wasn't anything I would want to change at this point. Well done :) I'm in Wilde's Fire Contest too if you're around to shoot me some critique :) Thanks so much :)

Old Kitty said...

Thanks for sharing your query and your first 500 words!! I am so intrigued!! I liked Madeline already and love that she's in the library!!! Yay!! Good luck with these! Take care

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Wow, you really got the jump on the news, PK - I just posted about the contest this morning. Very awesome.
Blogfather - still makes me chuckle!

A. K. Fotinos-Hoyer said...

I love the way you describe the story as a YA National Treasure meets the Da Vinci Code! Very intriguing :) And the first 500 words were really well-written, well-polished, had voice, and would keep me reading!

There were a couple of things I noticed in the query which you might want to consider revising so that it shines as much as your first 500 do.

1)Seventeen year old should be “seventeen-year-old”´

2)The first line says that the MC will be “really sorry” if she gets into trouble again. This was too vague for me – I want to know what exactly the stakes are. And since she’s already being sent off for the summer, it sounds like the punishment has already happened, so I’m wondering what would come next to make her “really sorry”. In general, I think you could condense the first three sentences into one sentence because the story really starts when she finds the envelope in the library.

3)I was left wondering what Madeleine’s motivation to uncover the truth of the documents is (it must be strong if she doesn’t give up when a stranger starts following her) – is it because she wants to sell the information (that was hinted at but I wasn’t quite sure if I was interpreting that right)? What does she need the money for? And why doesn’t she have a choice but to unravel the mystery on her own? Can’t she just decide to drop the whole thing?

4)I’d keep the query from one POV (Madeline’s). The paragraph with Armand brings up a whole new story and just creates questions, imo. Also, Madeline’s motivation and the stakes involved (what will happen if she can’t unravel the mystery?) weren’t explained so removing the Armand paragraph will give you the room to expand on those missing elements.

Hope this helps :) Best of luck in the contest!

Annalisa Crawford said...

Madeline has a great voice. I love the first two sentences!

DL Hammons said...

You got my vote! The query does read a tad long and I feel A.K. provided you with some awesome feedback! Good luck, and have a wonderful weekend! :)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I've read your opening before (a shorter version), but this is the first time I've read the query for it. Love the premise! Good luck!!!! You have my vote.

M.J. Fifield said...

Sounds like a very cool contest. If only I had a finished YA or NA manuscript...

Your concept sounds awesome. Good luck with it!

Gwen Gardner said...

"It was this or change bedpans for old people in a retirement home, and I’m not about to work around human defecation all day."

You had me laughing and engaged from the start. I wouldn't change anything.

Rebekah Loper said...

Hi there, I'm another contestant stopping by!

I really enjoyed the 500 words, your character's voice came through clearly and was engaging!

On the query, it read long to me also. There's a lot going on, can you back it down to just the one main plot?

Also, since you mention at the end that it switches view points between Madeline and Armand, you should probably give each of them equal space in the query - and bring Armand in sooner. That part felt a little tacked on to me.

But, I love National Treasure, so this story really intrigues me! Good luck!

twentysomethingfictionwriter said...

Very good here! I love your character voice and the concept is super original. I love National Treasure and the Divinci Code and seeing a YA like that is super intriguing. Great job!

Johanna Garth said...

I remember reading your query somewhere else, was it on Matt's blog? I love this concept, think it's so interesting!

Anonymous said...

The writing in the 500wds is very fluid and well done. I love Madeline's snarky voice! Good luck on the contest :)

Anonymous said...

You had me on the edge of my seat already! I've seen this before . . . loved it then and love it still:) Good luck fellow contestant!

Jess said...

I loved reading your first 500 again ;)

Glad you're entering the contest too! Good luck, PK!

Donna Hole said...

The premise and adventure sound intriguing. I liked the voice and pacing of the first 500 words. It gives a good look at her character, both from her eyes, and from her mother's, even though she is the only one in the room. I like how you're building the tension with normal, everyday creepiness - alone in a big empty building, normal sounds (birds) that shouldn't startle, dragging out a ladder.

I'm not entering this contest; I don't read much YA, and don't write it either. So my comments on the query may not be useful.

I liked the way you mentioned some trust issues from both her mother, and society. Even without the query for reference, you've set up the major character plot to be overcome. A really good start.

I liked the idea that the story is a treasure hunting adventure. However, I'm not seeing a do-or-die type plot to it. It feels like the story will have a lot of "movement" and action and intensity, but I'm not sure what will be resolved, or what the consequences will be, if the map doesn't reach the right hands.

I can see the characters personal stakes for both Armand and Madeline however. I get a good sense of their strengths and the lengths they will go to achieve their goals. I also liked the idea of dual perspectives from Madeline and Armand because it lets me know that Armand will not end up being a ruthless killer and that the two will eventually have to trust each other (which seems to be the overall theme) in order to redeem themselves - her with her mother and him with the IRIA.

If this novel does focus on the personal issues of the two (three counting the neighbor) then your query does state seem to state all the main points. I was drawn to these characters, and found myself asking many questions that I hope the novel addresses.

If this was an adult novel, I'd probably read it :)

Good luck in the contest PK :)


Donna Yates said...

Nice query and 500 words. You are a fine writer, for sure.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Whoa! Your ms sounds super! Good luck with the bloghop/contest. :)

Ink in the Book said...

I loved the voice of the character for sure. She sounds very sure of herself and ready to face the challenge about to jump into her life. Great stories always start with great characters. Good luck on the contest:)

Lexa Cain said...

Wow! All that political intrigue sounds so ambitious and must've taken a lot of research. Very impressive. Wishing you the best of luck in the contest! :-D

Savannah Chase said...

Thank you for posting about this. I think your 500 is fantastic...Good luck with the contest.

Libby said...

Really good query. Good luck with the contest!

Norma Beishir said...

Good work, PK--I hope you win!

Sharon Bayliss said...

Sounds like a great concept! I think you can leave Armand's POV out of the query, as it complicates things a little, and I don't think it's necessary to call out that it's multiple POV in the query. Best of luck!

Kimberly Gabriel said...

I've also seen this query before - not sure where. Another contest perhaps? I was just as intrigued by this premise then as I am now. I really liked the opening scene as well!! Good luck to you!

C.M.Brown said...

Sound entry and well written. I wouldn't change anything! Good luck.

mindthagap said...

This is really good! I love that it takes place in a library, and I think the voice is spot on. :) I like the description of the book smelling like her uncle's basement. Can't wait to hear more about it! :)

Kate said...

Your book sounds amazing! I love that Madeline is going to spend the summer in an upstate New York town; I was born and lived in upstate NY for several years.

Your query is awesome. I'd really like to read your story, and I am anxious to know what the secret documents are.

Christine Rains said...

Wow. Amazing first 500 words. Strong voice and clear imagery. I like the first line too.

William Kendall said...

That's a terrific start, PK! Good luck!

Hope Roberson said...

This is a cool premise for YA! And your writing is really excellent, I don't have anything to suggest :) Good luck!

Jennifer Ruth Jackson said...

Really exciting premise! I would definitely read it.

Anonymous said...

I love the slightly spooky feel of the first 500 words.

In the query, I think that first paragraph is too long and dense. You need some white space in the query. Personally, I'd start a new paragraph with "Alone in the library. . ." I also think you could probably trim it just a bit.

Leslie Rose said...

Very cool premise. Crossing fingers and toes for you in the contest.

Larissa said...

I love your premise every time I see it. :)

I think A.K. gave you some great suggestions on your query.

Other than that, it looks fantastic!

Good luck!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Great premise! I thought the "she'll be really sorry" was a little vague in the query. I know the story is about both Madeline and Armand but I wonder if it might be better to focus only on Madeline in the query.

Great excerpt! Good luck!

alexia said...

Nice query and excerpt! Good luck!

Cally Jackson said...

I'm totally drawn in by your query and first 500. Now I really want to know what happens next! Best of luck in the contest. :-)

Julie said...

What a great query! I'm having a terrible time writing mine and just reading yours was inspiring to me. Excellent job.

I love the excerpt and I definitely didn't want it to end. Good luck!

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