Friday, May 31, 2013

WIP It Good!


Welcome! I'm so glad you took time to stop by here today! DL Hammons and Elise Fallson are hosting this event and bloggers around the sphere are spilling the deets on their current Works In Progress.

And don't worry you can still sign up by clicking on the picture above! Great way to find new critique partners and beta readers!

Here's all the particulars on my latest story:

TITLE:   Butterman (Time) Travel, Inc.

WORD COUNT:  80K

GENRE:  New Adult light sci-fi romance

HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT:  Two months (story's complete and still being critiqued and revised little by little by the amazing Kathryn Rose and Tammy Theriault.)


BRIEF SYNOPSIS: (Just a fun sales pitch. :) )

Welcome to Butterman Travel, Incorporated, a full service boutique agency designed to meet all your exclusive time travel needs. We’re a family owned and operated business with one hundred years of experience. A place where you can rest assured safety and reliability always come first.

Anxious to attend that relative’s wedding you missed a few years ago? Or curious to see how your children invest their inheritance after you’re gone?

You’ve come to the right place. We’re fully accredited, offering an array of services, including but not limited to, customized travel plans, professionally piloted operations, and personal trip guides.
Contact us via phone, email, or web conferencing directly from our website. Our frontline reservation specialist, Bianca Butterman, will handle all your inquiries in a professional and efficient manner, offering a tentative itinerary and free fare quote, so you can make the most of your time trip.

We look forward to serving you at Butterman Travel, Inc., where time is always in your hands.   

*****

Real quick I wanted to give a shout out to my long time CP, Kathryn Rose, who just signed her first book deal with Flux! Head over and show her some love. She's a spectacular writer! 

Okay, so sock it to me. Let me hear what needs improving upon. Of course my synopsis is not really a synopsis, but for now, it's as far as I want to go.  

47 comments:

J.L. Murphey said...

In the synopsis you use the term credited when I think accredited would work better.

You've introduced three characters in your elevator pitch when usually it is one, your protag. It distracts from your pitch.

Looks like an interesting red, PK

mooderino said...

I think it would help to know why Tristan wants to go back in time. Otherwise it's a bit vague. Mystery of not knowing the answer can be intriguing, but mystery of not knowing the question either tends to make it feel less so.

I really like the sales pitch idea.

mood

Old Kitty said...

Well I'm ready to book for my time travel with the lovely Bianca!!

I have absolutely nothing to add! I love the sales pitch and the blurb is super awesome!! Lots of adventures and romance promised! Yay!

GOOD LUCK with this PK! Take care
x

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

What Moody said about Tristan. Otherwise, very cool!

Nick Wilford said...

This is a genius idea! I love time travel. I would just tighten up the pitch by getting to the thrust of the story quicker, but it sounds great!

Robin said...

PK, this is a fun concept. Nice work. My only advise for the pitch is I get a big overwhelmed in the "full trip guide certification with her time-craft pilot's license." Could you simplify? One trip away from her time-travel license, perhaps?
I can't wait to read Tristan:)

I'm in the process of moving, so this summer is crazypants, but if you're still looking for Betas in the fall please let me know.

DL Hammons said...

I LOVE your pitch, and if your looking for more Beta readers...take my name down! Great premise with loads of promise!! :)

Elise Fallson said...

I really like your take on time travel. This will definitely get noticed. Wish I could offer advice on the pitch but I thought it was great and pulled me right in. Good luck with this PK, it sounds awesome!

Julie Dao said...

YES. YES!!! I want to read this so badly. Your elevator pitch is great, and if someone tried to sell me something ending with "time is in your hands," I'd buy it. Are you planning to rework the synopsis into a query letter in the future? Because I think it's definitely hook-y and guaranteed to reach out and grab someone.

Julie Dao said...

Ugh I meant book jacket, not query letter, since you have an agent. (My four hours of sleep are catching up to me)

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Love Tammy's critiques! She keeps me laughing, so I don't cry over all the messes I need to fix!

Crystal Collier said...

Great stakes! I wanted a sense of urgency or tension in the first line, but that's because I'm an adrenaline junkie. It doesn't fit all styles of writing, but I like a hook before the first period.

Carrie-Anne said...

The premise of your story is so original, and I love the cute sales pitch.

Sarah Ahiers said...

first off, LOVE the title of this and LOVE the sound of it. I would defintely pick it up.
I feel your last sentence in your synopsis is a but run on. I think if you split it into 2 sentences, it will serve you better.
Good luck with the contest!

Andrew Leon said...

You wrote an 80K novel in two months? Gah!

Trisha F said...

Love the sound of your story! I too would definitely read it. For some reason the whole Butterman Travel Inc. thing reminds me of the original Total Recall, even though that isn't about time travel :P

That is a ver long sentence, the last in your synopsis. All in all I think you've got a great base here to work with - nice voice shining through!

Pat Dilloway said...

I'm glad I didn't know about this since I don't have any deets.

Cathrina Constantine said...

Pk, I don't like giving advice because I'm so new to all this, however, my newbie author advice is that the first sentence in your pitch is kind of wordy. This sounds like a fantastic book and we're all eager to read it. I repeat Andrew's words, 'You wrote an 80K novel in 2 months? Gah!'

Tiana Smith said...

Sounds super fun and interesting. I like the voice you have going on!

catemorgan.com said...

Your elevator pitch needs to be trimmed WAAAAAY down--ideally, to a couple of sentences. Remember, elevator rides are short, so your pitch needs to be, too. Think of movie tag lines. A good techique is to take a couple of existing, well-known stories that are similar to yours and do a mashup. "X meets Y and then all hell breaks loose when Z." Pretend the "Jeopardy" theme is playing in the background.

Otherwise, this sounds like a well-rounded, readable story. Good luck out there!

Kate Larkindale said...

Sounds like a fun story. Time travel has so much potential for disaster!

I think your elevator pitch is too long, but it's interesting. I just hope it's a tall building you're going up.

Adriana Dascalu said...

I love the idea! It has endless potential. And I also like the direction of your story.

Suzanne said...

I love the idea, you could end up with a series of novels :) And the way you've made the synopsis talk to the reader, excellent!
Suzanne @ Suzannes Tribe

sydneyaaliyah.com said...

You pitch is good. Hits all the elements. I love the idea of the book. I would like to read it if you want some general feed back. Email me at sydliyah at hotmail dot com.

Mark Means said...

Sounds awesome and I'm always a sucker for time travel stories! :)

Tammy Theriault said...

Hey girlie!! I thought it was clever to do the sales pitch for your synopsis! Hahaha...i'll be emailing you about that pitch.... hahaha :) any one curious...it's one awesome book!

Timothy Brannan said...

Sounds really fun! I bet my youngest would love this.

Tim
The Other Side blog.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Really interesting, PK! I critiqued a time travel for Susan Fields a while back. I don't think there are a lot of these on the shelves right now. Hopefully it will be the new "vampire" trend. :)

L.G. Keltner said...

I'd definitely read this! It sounds fun!

Carolyn Brown said...

Time travel is always an awesome read! I am sure it will take off.

Milo James Fowler said...

I'm liking the sound of this one -- keep at it!

Dianne K. Salerni said...

I would drop "reservation specialist" in the first line, because I spent a lot of time wondering what that was -- until I realized she makes the reservations. Not really needed in the first sentence.

And if 3 characters is a problem, just say the government is doing an audit and drop the mention of a specific person.

Other than that, this is awesome! It's really cool to see the premise behind the first page I critiqued. (And funny how I do all those first page critiques and hardly ever know the premise behind them!)

Tina said...

I love sci-fi, and time travel, and it's pure genius to use the sales pitch as the synopsis.
In addition, your concept has the potential for a loooong series, with different people traveling with the agency. I'll want more after I finish the first one, I can tell.
Tina @ Life is Good

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Susanne Drazic said...

What an interesting idea for a book.

Nancy LaRonda Johnson said...

"Reservation specialist" is a weird term that we don't get until later in your post. I think it could possibly be removed. The family name is unnecessary too, I think. Maybe just say "heir to the family time travel business."

D.O.T. doesn't tell us a lot either. You could just say a government or special agent. Issuing hefty fines is unnecessary sense we don't know what they are trying to fine them for. You could just say "part of a government take-over scheme to shut down all private time travel agencies."

The last sentence is way too long and has "get" too many times. You could end the sentence after "time-trip to get there." Then say something like, "Now Bianca has to..."

These are just my suggestions and I hope they help some. Good luck in the contest! Writer’s Mark

Sandra Cox said...

You have done 80K in two months? I stand in awe.

Joanne R. Fritz said...

I remember this from your first page on Dianne's blog. Time travel is always fun, so I would definitely read this.

And, yeah, I'm totally jealous you can write a rough draft in two months.

Zoe Byrd said...

I love this pitch. I am not usually partial to the genre and I want to read this. I want to reread and think more about it before making an actual critique...I have to read and think. I will return. :)

Margo Berendsen said...

I'm a sucker for time travel so I love this pitch, though i'm eager to know who the characters are, and conflict and choice!

Gina Gao said...

This sounds really great! I like the sound of it a lot.

www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

Jennifer Ruth Jackson said...

Very cute, PK!

Beth said...

Hey since this is sci-fi romance does that mean it's clean-ish? Or at least non-graphic? I'm so waiting on clean NA!

Misha Gericke said...

I love the sound of your story. Hope it does well so I get to read it one day.

Deniz Bevan said...

Aw, now I wish they really existed so I could time travel too!

William Kendall said...

Sounds like a good premise, PK!

Donna Yates said...

Very creative. I enjoyed reading it.